2017英語幽默小笑話-英語幽默短笑話加翻譯
英語語言中幽默的數(shù)量多、種類也多 ,它是英語語言的精華和重要組成部分。下面是陽光網(wǎng)小編分享的2017英語幽默小笑話，歡迎閱讀。
2017英語幽默小笑話(最新)
1.I Wasn't Asleep
When a group of women got on the car,every seat was already occupied.The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep,and fearing he might miss his stop,he nudged him and said:"Wake up,sir!"
"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep?But you had your eyes closed."
"I know.I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."
我沒有睡著
當(dāng)一群婦女上車之后,車上的座位全都被占滿了.售票員注意到一名男子好象是睡著了,他擔(dān)心這個人會坐過站,就用肘輕輕地碰了碰他,說：“先生,醒醒!”
“我沒有睡著.”那個男人回答.
“沒睡著?可是你眼睛都閉上了呀?”
“我知道,我只是不愿意看到在擁擠的車上有女士站在我身邊而已.
2.Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother."How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger,"but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children.Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained,"Obviously he was painting the pictures."
父親在哪兒?
兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫.
“看,”哥哥說,“這些畫多漂亮呀!”
“是啊,”弟弟說道,“可是在所有這些畫中,只有媽媽和孩子.那爸爸去哪兒了呢?”
哥哥想了會兒,然后解釋道：“很明顯,他當(dāng)時正在畫這些畫唄.
3.The poor husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend."She asks me a question,then answers it herself,and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
可憐的丈夫
“你根本無法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的難,”一個男人對他的朋友訴苦說,“她問我一個問題,然后自己回答了,過后又花半個小時跟我解釋為什么我的答案是錯的.”Where is the father?
4.two clock has been busy all his life.One day,an old clock to a ton said:"you a year to put 525600 it with me." Very frightened,and said,"wow,so much,how could it be?!How can I finish under so much!" By this time,another old clock say with smile:"don't be afraid,you need only a second place once every second,insist to come down." Very happy,thinking about:a second place once didn't seem hard,have a try.Sure enough,very easily and then put to it.Imperceptible in the past year,has put the 525600 ton!兩只鐘已經(jīng)忙活了一輩子.有一天,一只老鐘對一只小鐘說：“你一年里要擺525600下啦.” 小鐘嚇壞了,說“哇,這么多,這怎么可能?!我怎么能完成那么多下呢!” 這時候,另一只老鐘笑著說：“不用怕,你只需一秒鐘擺一下,每一秒堅持下來就可以了.” 小鐘高興了,想著：一秒鐘擺一下好像并不難啊,試試看吧.果然,很輕松地就擺了一下.不知不覺一年過去了,小鐘已經(jīng)擺了525600下!
5.A little pig,a sheep and a head of cows,was held in the same corral.Once,the shepherd caught little pig,it loud screaming,fiercely resist.Sheep and cows hate its howling,then say:he often catch us,we are not at.The pig to answer a way:catch you and catch me completely different things,he catch you,just to your hair and milk,but who caught me,but to my life!一只小豬、一只綿羊和一頭乳牛,被關(guān)在同一個畜欄里.有一次,牧人捉住小豬,它大聲號叫,猛烈地抗拒.綿羊和乳牛討厭它的號叫,便說：他常常捉我們,我們并不大呼小叫.小豬聽了回答道：捉你們和捉我完全是兩回事,他捉你們,只是要你們的毛和乳汁,但是捉住我,卻是要我的命呢!
6.France a remote town,reportedly has a special predictions springs of water,often appear signs,can cure all sorts of illnesses.One day,a walks with a cane,little legs of veterans,a lame lame walk through the town of road,next to the town with the sympathy to kiss said:poor guy,will he ask god for have a leg?This sentence is the army soldiers heard,he turned around and said to them,I'm not going to ask god has a new leg,but to ask him to help me,that I don't have a leg,also know how to make a living.法國一個偏僻的小鎮(zhèn),據(jù)傳有一個特別靈驗的水泉,常會出現(xiàn)神跡,可以醫(yī)治各種疾病.有一天,一個拄著拐杖,少了一條腿的退伍軍人,一跛一跛的走過鎮(zhèn)上的馬路,旁邊的鎮(zhèn)民帶著同情的回吻說：可憐的家伙,難道他要向上帝祈求再有一條腿嗎?這一句話被退伍的軍人聽到了,他轉(zhuǎn)過身對他們說：我不是要向上帝祈求有一條新的腿,而是要祈求他幫助我,叫我沒有一條腿后,也知道如何過日子.
7.A old man in the fishing by the river,a child walk through to see his fishing,the old man skilled,so before long it caught a full basket of fish,the old man saw a child is very lovely,to put the whole basket fish gave him,children shook his head,the old man amazing asked:why don't you?The little boy replied:I want you to the hands of the rod.The old man asked:do you want to fishing pole?The child said:this basket fish before long it finished eat,if I have the rod and I also can catch,lifetime could eat.有個老人在河邊釣魚,一個小孩走過去看他釣魚,老人技巧純熟,所以沒多久就釣上了滿簍的魚,老人見小孩很可愛,要把整簍的魚送給他,小孩搖搖頭,老人驚異的問道：你為何不要?小孩回答：我想要你手中的釣竿.老人問：你要釣竿做什么?小孩說：這簍魚沒多久就吃完了,要是我有釣竿,我就可以自己釣,一輩子也吃不完.
8.I Didn't Notice It Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that? Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn't notice the other.
9.Ah, Kids Like a good father, I took my 4-year old daughter to a so-called "rug concert" at her music school one Saturday morning, called that because you sit on the rug in a group and sing songs. We sat beside a young, attractive mother and her son, and I struck up a friendly conversation with the mother during the concert. I thought I was in trouble when, as soon as we got home, my daughter burst through the front door and announced to my wife that "Daddy met a Mommy."
10.Two Pounds of Plums Mother: I sent my little boy for two pounds of plums and you gave him a pound and a half. Shopkeeper: My scales are all right, madam. Have you weighted your little boy?
上個星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎么反應(yīng)這么快, 聯(lián)想力這么豐富時,旁邊的
一個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有一個很著名的合唱團(tuán) Korn, 他們的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能詳?shù)泥? 下次就換你去取笑老美了.上帝曾經(jīng)答應(yīng)我
Once god came up 2 me & granted me a wish. I asked 4 world peace. That's impossible, he said.
有一次上帝來到我面前答應(yīng)了我一個愿望。我說我要世界和平。“那是不可能的”他說。
Then I asked him 2 give u brains. He said, "Let me try world peace".
然后我請讓你變聰明。他說：“你還是讓我試試讓世界和平吧。” 1.Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?
Jack: Certainly.
Tom: And why?
Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.
湯姆：威廉向我借五英鎊。我該不該借給他?
杰克：當(dāng)然應(yīng)該了。
湯姆：為什么?
杰克：否則他就該跟我借了
2.I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded.
'Why are you so nervous?' I asked him.
'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed.
我陪丈夫一起出差，他帶著他的手提式計算機(jī)。機(jī)場出口處檢查員要他打開包。他耐心的等著我那窘迫的丈夫設(shè)法回想起暗鎖的密碼。最后他終于想起來了。
“你為什么那么緊張呢?”我問他。
“這密碼是我們結(jié)婚紀(jì)念日。”他承認(rèn)道
3.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?
Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.
媽媽：你為什么不停地跳上跳下的?
湯姆：我剛吃完藥，可我忘了先搖動瓶子了
4.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'
My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'
一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來后發(fā)現(xiàn)車身沾滿灰塵，于是擦洗了一陣。當(dāng)我終于走進(jìn)屋里時大聲喊：“世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風(fēng)玻璃。”
我丈夫抬頭看了看，說：“媽媽來了?”
5.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.
'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'
'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.
瑪麗非常討厭丈夫吸煙，一天對他抱怨說：“我希望有一天所有卷煙廠都失火。”
“不用擔(dān)心，親愛的，所有的煙卷遲早都會點著的。”他笑著說。 Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給你的錢干什么了?”
“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢?”
“她是個賣糖果的。”
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
Notes:
(1) inform v.告訴
(2) nest n.窩;巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓勵
(5) resemble v. 相似;類似
18.鳥窩與頭發(fā)
我姐姐是一位小學(xué)老師。一次一個學(xué)生告訴她說一只鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。
“是什么鳥呢?”我姐姐問她。
“我沒看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩。”那孩子回答說。
“那么，你能給我們描述一下這個鳥巢嗎?”我姐姐鼓勵她道。
“哦，老師，就像你的頭發(fā)一樣。”
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因為我剛咬了自己的舌頭。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的縮略形式。
我剛咬破自己的舌頭
“我們有毒嗎?”一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。
“是的，親愛的，”她回答說，“你問這個干什么?”
“因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。”
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕一趟火車。接近門口，一位肥胖的中年婦女從后面沖過來，沒想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正準(zhǔn)備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮(zhèn)定了一下，對我擠了一下眉，說道：“總是有漂亮女人拜倒在你腳下嗎?”
Mr. Johnson: Are you using you mower this afternoon?
Mr.Smith: Yes.
Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it?
約翰遜先生：今天下午你準(zhǔn)備用割草機(jī)嗎?
史密斯先生：是的。
約翰遜先生：太好了。既然您不用網(wǎng)球拍，那我可以借用一下嗎?
An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman:' How much this stuff?'
'Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap.' The lady said, 'It is too much, give it to me for fourteen.' 'I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven.'
'It is still too much,' replied the old lady, 'give it to me for five.'
一位耳聾并且總是嫌?xùn)|西太貴的老太太走進(jìn)一家商店。
她問店員：“這東西要多少錢?”
“七美元，太太，這是很便宜的。” 老太太說：“太貴了，十四美元差不多。”
店員忙說：“我沒說十七美元，是七美元。”
“還是太貴，”老太太說：“五美元，我就買啦。”
3.一)小明上英文課時跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?
老師說：Go ahead。小明就坐了下來。
過了一會兒，小明又跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?
老師說：Go ahead。小明又坐了下來。
他旁邊的同學(xué)于是忍不住問：你不是跟老師說要上廁所嗎?怎么不去?
小明說：你沒聽老師說“去你個頭”啊!
(二)一對熱戀中的男女。女生非常沒有安全感，于是對著男友說：“
SAY I LOVEYOU!! SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!”
男的答道：“I T!”
(三)一位在美的留學(xué)
生，想要考國際駕照。在考試時因為過于緊張，
看到地上標(biāo)線是向左轉(zhuǎn)。
他不放心的問道：turn left?
監(jiān)考官回答:right。于是他立刻向右轉(zhuǎn)……
(四)某人刻苦學(xué)習(xí)英語，終有小成。一日上街不慎與一老外相撞，
忙說：I am sorry。
老外應(yīng)道：I am sorry too。
4.He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。
-- 他真是一個大人物。干什么的?
-- 墓地守墓人。
5.Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行柜臺，銀行職員認(rèn)真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最后實在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。”
6.Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧?
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了農(nóng)夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定會生氣的;而如果你踩了農(nóng)夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“雞眼”的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因為snail(蝸牛)的后背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強(qiáng)壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢?
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鐘表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀!因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為制造鐘面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢游者(sleepwalker)夢游(walk in his sleep)呢?最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢游了。
7.和上帝對話 edmpdue edmpdue A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" edmpdue edmpdue 一男子進(jìn)入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"那一百萬年呢?"上帝說:"一秒鐘."最后男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鐘."edmpdue He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他贏了 湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎? 約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。 湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒? 約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠(yuǎn)，他贏了。 I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問，“發(fā)生了什么事?” “一個男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說。 “再見到他你能認(rèn)出來嗎?”媽媽問。 “他走到哪里我都能認(rèn)出他，”伊凡說。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。” A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。 “昨天給你的錢干什么了?” “我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢�？赡銥槭裁磳δ俏焕咸敲锤信d趣呢?” “她是個賣糖果的。” Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家里沒有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片奶酪回到房間，把奶酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把奶酪放進(jìn)嘴里說：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夾上，先生。”那小男孩說。 Good News And Bad News "There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer told his client. "I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?" "Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement." "And the bad news?" "After the divorce, she's marrying your father." 好消息和壞消息 “有好消息，也有壞消息，”離婚律師告訴他的當(dāng)事人。 “我總能聽到一些好消息吧，”當(dāng)事人嘆了口氣說，“是什么好消息?” “你妻子沒有要求將你未來的繼承財產(chǎn)也劃入裁決的范圍。” “那么壞消息呢?” “離婚以后，她將與你父親結(jié)婚。” ____________________________________________ The New Teacher George comes from school on the first of September. "George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother. "I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....." 新老師 9月1日， 喬治放學(xué)回到家里。 “喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎?” 媽媽問。 “媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6。”
8.Saving a dollar
Johnny:"Dad,would you be glad if I saved a dollar for you?"
Dad :"Naturally ,my son .
Johnny:"Well, I have saved one dollar for you .You said that if I brought a good mark this week ,you would give me a dollar and I haven't brought one."
9.Jack's answer
The teacher is asking an arithmetic question:"Jack, if you foung three dollars in your right pocket and two dollars in your left pocket ,what would you have ?"
Jack:"I must have somebody else's pants on ."
10.A Drunkard
A drunkard in a bar saw a man coming in with a duck under his arm and asked,"What are you doing with the pig?"
The new comer said it was a duck ,not a pig.
"I was talking to the duck ,not to you," the drunkard replied.
11.Best time
Teacher :"When is the best time to pick the fruit from the trees?"
Student:"When the watchman is not here."
12.I don't know
Teacher :"Tom,what are the three words which you use most often in the class?"
Tom:"I don't know."
Teacher:"You're right."
英語幽默短笑話加翻譯
1.One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
一天，有一個城市里的游客來到一個小鄉(xiāng)村，在鄉(xiāng)間路上開著車，想看看農(nóng)莊是什么樣子，也想看看農(nóng)夫怎樣種田過日子。這位城里人看見一位農(nóng)夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱著一頭豬，并把它舉得高高的，好讓它能夠吃到樹上的蘋果。城里人對農(nóng)夫說，"我看你的豬挺喜歡吃蘋果的，但是，這不是很浪費時間嗎?"那位農(nóng)夫 回答說，"時間對豬有什么意義?"
2.a kiss At a dinner party, the speaker, who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver a speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it. The guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife must love you very much, I see her send you a 'KISS' before you begin your speech." The speaker smiled and explained, "You don't know my wife. The 'KISS' she give me stands for 'Keep It Short, Stupid.'"
3.The mean man's party
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment,he said,"Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open,push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well,gosh," was the reply,"You're not coming empty-hangded,are you?吝嗇鬼請客
一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終于決定要請一次客了.他在向一個朋友解釋怎么找到他家時說：“你上到五樓,找中間那個門,然后用你的胳膊肘按門鈴.門開了之后,再用你的腳把門推開.”
“為什么要用我的肘和腳呢?”
“你的雙手得拿禮物啊.天哪,你總不會空著手來吧?”吝嗇鬼回答.
I think that I'm a chicken
Psychiatrist:What's your problem?
Patient:I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist:How long has this been going on?
Patient:Ever since I was an egg!
精神病醫(yī)師：你哪里不舒服?
病人：我認(rèn)為我是一只雞.
精神病醫(yī)師：這種情況從什么時候開始的?
病人：從我還是一只蛋的時候開始.
4.The Fish Net
Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?
A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl.
魚網(wǎng)
你能告訴我魚網(wǎng)是什么做的嗎，安? 老師發(fā)問道。
把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網(wǎng)了。 小女孩回答道。
2、The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.
I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too.....
新老師
9月1日， 喬治放學(xué)回到家里。
喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎? 媽媽問。
媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6。
5.The Looney Bin Late one night at the insane asylum (瘋?cè)嗽?one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
瘋?cè)嗽?/p>
一天晚上，在瘋?cè)嗽豪�，一個病人說：“我是拿破侖!”另一個說：“你怎么知道?”第一個人說：“上帝對我說的!”一會兒，一個聲音從另一個房間傳來：“我沒說!”
6.a great man Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today? Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.
一名偉人
老師：如果莎士比亞還活著，他會是一名偉人嗎? 學(xué)生：當(dāng)然。因為到目前為止，還沒有人活到400多歲。
7.律師、寶馬和胳膊》
一個律師打開他的寶馬車門，突然一輛汽車駛過來把門撞飛了，警察趕到現(xiàn)場，律師正痛苦地抱怨毀壞了他心愛的寶馬。
“警察同志，看看他們把我的車弄的!!!”律師哀怨地說。
“你們律師真是物質(zhì)至上，我很不舒服!”警察反駁說，“你這么關(guān)心你可惡的寶馬，你可能沒有注意到你的左胳膊也沒了。”
律師終于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的勞力士手表在哪兒?”
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
《狗住旅店》
一個人給一家他計劃在假期里停留的小旅館寫了封信，“我非常希望帶著我的狗，它很干凈很有教養(yǎng)，你能允許它和我睡一間屋子嗎?”
旅館主人立即回了封信，“我經(jīng)營旅館很多年了，狗從沒偷過毛巾，床單， 餐具，或者墻上的畫。我也從沒有在半夜因為狗喝醉胡鬧而趕走它，狗也從不不付帳就跑掉。實際上我們非常歡迎您的狗來我們旅館，如果它為您擔(dān)保，也歡迎您來。
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
8.Who Is the Laziest?
Father:Well,Tom,I asked to your teacher today,and now I want to ask you a question.Who is the laziest person in your class?
Tom:I don't know,father.
Father:Oh,yes,you do!Think!When other boys and girls are doing and writing,who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?
Tom:Our teacher,father.
中文：
父親：哎,湯姆,今天我跟你們老師談過,現(xiàn)在我想問你個問題.你們班上誰最懶?
湯姆：我不知道,爸爸.
父親：啊,不對,你知道!想想看,當(dāng)別的孩子們都在做作業(yè)、寫字時,誰在課堂上坐著,只是看人家做功課?
湯姆：我們老師,爸爸.
9.Boxing and Running Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box." Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."
拳擊和賽跑
丹在教他的兒子怎樣拳擊。他告訴他的朋友：“這是一個粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的兒子怎么去拼搏。” 朋友：“如果他碰上的對手是一個比他高大，健壯而且也會拳擊的人怎么辦?” 丹：“我也會教他怎么樣賽跑呢。”
10.buying your ticket Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."
11.Old Farmer Johnson was dying.The family was standing around his bed.With a low voice he said to his wife:"When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife:"No,I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson:"But I want you to."
Wife:"But why?"
Johnson:"Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
譯文：
老農(nóng)約翰遜就要死了.他的家人都站在床邊.他聲音低沉地對妻子說：“我死后,我想你嫁給農(nóng)夫瓊斯.”
妻子說：“不,在你死后,我不能嫁給任何人.”
約翰遜：“但我希望你這么做.”
妻子：“為什么?”
約翰遜：“因為瓊斯曾在一筆販馬的交易中欺騙了我.”
12.I'm Trying to Stop It
"Boy,why have you got cotton-wool in your ear?Is it infected?"
"No,sir,but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other ,so I am trying to stop it."
“孩子,你為什么用棉花塞住耳朵?它感染了嗎?”
“沒有,老師.可是你昨天說你告訴我的知識都是一個耳朵里進(jìn),一個耳朵里出,所以我要把它堵在里面.”
“I'm sorry ,Madam ,but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”
“Twenty d ollars!Why ,I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”
“Yes ,but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”
“對不起,夫人,為您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元.”
“20美元!為什么?不是說好只要4美元.”
“是的,但是你的孩子大喊大叫,把另外四個病人嚇跑了.”
TWO：Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now,can anyone give me a good example?
John：Well ,in the summer the days are long,and in the winter the days are short.
老師：我們都知道熱脹冷縮的道理.現(xiàn)在,誰給我舉個例子?
約翰：嗯,在夏天天都長,在冬天天都短.
13.Two Cute dogs
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him."Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."
14.The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell. So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?" George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!"
典獄長對獄中一位囚犯深感同情，因為每逢周末的探訪日，大多數(shù)囚犯都有家人或朋友來訪，但是可憐的喬治總是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。 因此在一個探訪日，典獄長把喬治叫到辦公室說：“喬治，我注意到從來沒有人來探望過你。”他滿懷同情地把手放在喬治的肩膀上：“告訴我，你沒有任何朋友或家人嗎?” 喬治回答：“喔!當(dāng)然有，典獄長，只不過他們?nèi)荚谶@里面!”
15.Plagiarism
A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St.Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper.He summoned the student to his office."This isn't your work." he said."Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.
"You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered.
My friend amiled and show him the paper.Circled in red was:"Also see article on communism."
抄 襲
我有個朋友在圣路易斯的華盛頓大學(xué)教歐洲歷史,他說有一次他發(fā)現(xiàn)了一篇抄襲的學(xué)期論文.他把那個學(xué)生叫到了辦公室.“這不是你寫的,”他說,“有人幫你從百科全書上原封不動地打印了下來.”
“你沒有證據(jù).”那學(xué)生氣急敗壞地說.
我朋友笑了,他把論文拿給他看.用紅筆圈出來的是：“也可參閱共產(chǎn)主義一文.”
16.Virtue
Many years after receiving my graduate degree,I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member.One day in a crowded elevator,someone remarked on its inefficiency.I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.
When the door finally opened,I felt a compassionate pat on my back,and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me."You'll get that degree,dear," she whispered."Perseverance is a virtue."
美 德
獲取研究生學(xué)位多年以后,我回到位于賓翰頓的紐約州立大學(xué)當(dāng)教員.一天,電梯里很擁擠,有人抱怨電梯效率太低.我說自我在那里當(dāng)學(xué)生起,20年來電梯一直沒有換過.
最后當(dāng)電梯門打開時,我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下,回過頭來我看到一位年長的修女正在朝我微笑.“你會拿到學(xué)位的,親愛的,”她低聲說道：“堅持不懈是一種美德.”
17.Mr.Clark,I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his
patient."You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes.
"I can't possibly pay you in that time."
"Okay," the doctor said,"let's make it nine months."
九個月吧
“克拉克先生,有個壞消息,你只有六個月可活了.”醫(yī)生告訴他的病人.
病人驚呆了.“六個月我不可能付清醫(yī)療費.”
“好吧,”醫(yī)生說,“那就九個月吧.”
18.Difference
"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles."When I say,'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond,'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."
區(qū) 別
“研究生班和本科生很容易就能區(qū)別開來,”在洛杉磯加利福利亞州立大學(xué)給我們研究生上工程學(xué)課的老師如此說.“我說‘下午好’,本科生們回答說‘下午好’.研究生們則把我說的話記在筆記本上.”
2017英語幽默小笑話(經(jīng)典)
1.An old couple went into a restaurant and ordered something to eat: one Coca Cola and one portion of French fries. The old man sat down and the woman, his wife, sat opposite him, and he began to divide the Coca Cola into two glasses, half for him and half for his wife.
有一對老夫婦到速食店去，叫了一罐可樂和一份薯條。然后他們面對面坐下來，那位老先生先把可樂分成兩杯，一杯給他自己，另一杯給他太太。
He divided all the French fries half-and-half. He gave half to his wife and kept half for himself. Then he began to eat and drink,and the woman just drank but didn't eat.
接著他又將薯條分成兩份，一份給他太太、一份給自己。然后他開始吃薯條、喝可樂，但是他的太太只是喝可樂，不吃薯條。
There was a young man who was standing next to the table and wondering why the old man had divided everything in half, and he thought that maybe they didn't have any money. He said to the old couple, "Okay, I can buy you one more portion; you don't have to share like that."
一個年輕人剛好站在旁邊，看到老先生把每樣食物都分成兩半，覺得很奇怪，他想或許他們沒有錢，便跟老夫婦說：‘我可以再買一份給你們，你們就不用這樣分了。’
So the old man explained, "No, no, no, we have been married for forty years and we always share everything. Whatever we have, we share half and half. Don't worry, but thank you, anyhow."
老先生解釋說：‘不、不!我們結(jié)婚四十年了，一直都是分享每件事物，什么東西都是一個人分一半。不用擔(dān)心我們，不過還是謝謝你的好意。
But then after a while, he saw that the woman wasn't eating eat, and only the man ate, and he asked, "Why aren't you eating?" And the wife said, "Today it's his turn to use the teeth."
過了一會兒，他看只有老先生吃著薯條，老太太沒吃，便問老太太：‘你為什么都不吃呢?’老太太說：‘今天輪到他用牙齒。’
2.The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.
農(nóng)校的招生辦主任在面試一個上線的學(xué)生，“你為何要選擇這個職業(yè)?”他問。 “我夢想以經(jīng)營農(nóng)場來賺一百萬元，就像我父親一樣。”這個學(xué)生回答說。 “你父親經(jīng)營農(nóng)場賺了一百萬元?”主任驚詫地問道。
“沒有，”這位申請人回答道，“他總是夢想著賺到這個數(shù)目。”
3.Wedding or Not
Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends.
Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!
弗蘭克叔叔七十八歲了，富有而健康。他是個終生單身漢。他曾追求過很多女孩，但“從不過熱----見好就收”。一天他突發(fā)奇想，決定四處走走，去看看他那些接近一打的舊時女友。
他回來即嘆道：“噓!謝天謝地幸虧我沒娶那些女人中的任何一個。如今她們都成寡婦了!”
4.A Boy with a Big Head大頭娃娃
A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head."
"Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes."
"Where is the shopping bag?"
"I haven't got one-use your hat."
一個小男孩向他母親哭訴道：“他們都取笑我，說我腦袋大。” “別聽他們的，”他母親安慰道，“你有一個很漂亮的腦袋。好啦，別哭了，去商店買十斤土豆來。”
“購物袋在哪兒?”
“沒購物袋了----就用你的帽子吧。”
5.All Right 沒關(guān)系
Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. Uh-oh, I said, realizing my mistake. I just make an illegal turn.I guess it's all right, my daughter replied, The police car behind us did the same thing.
我趕著開車將11歲的女兒送到學(xué)校去，在紅燈處右拐了，而那是不允許的(譯注:在一些國家如英國,其交通規(guī)則是車輛左行的,與我國相反)。啊噢，意識到犯了錯誤，我說。我剛才拐彎是違章的。我想那沒關(guān)系的，女兒回答說：我們后面的警車也同樣拐了彎。
6.第一次開出租車
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
The driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
乘客輕拍了一下出租車司機(jī)的肩膀，想問個問題。司機(jī)大叫起來，車也失去了控制，幾乎撞上一輛公車，還上了便道，在還差幾厘米就撞上商店櫥窗時終于停了下來。
司機(jī)說：“伙計，別再這么干了。你把我嚇破膽了!”乘客抱歉地說，“我沒想到拍你一下就嚇成這樣。” 司機(jī)說：“對不起，也不全是你的錯。今天是我第一天開出租，以前25年里我一直開殯葬車。”
7.摩西和耶穌
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".
一個竊賊潛入一戶人家。他看到一個喜歡的CD機(jī)，他趕緊拿了。就在這個時候他聽到有人說：“耶穌正在看著你。”他照著手電看來看去，嘀咕著：“到底是什么人在說話?”這時，他看到桌子上有些錢，他又拿了。。。那聲音又來了：“耶穌正在看著你。”他躲到一個角落，想找出是誰在說話。結(jié)果看到一只鸚鵡，于是他問鸚鵡：“是你在說話嗎?”鸚鵡承認(rèn)了。 小賊說：“你叫什么名字?”“摩西”。小賊說：“什么人給鳥取這種名字?”鸚鵡回答：“就是那個給他的羅威那犬取名為‘耶穌’的`那個人啊。”
8.Only One Eye to Settle On
The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?"
"I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.
姑娘找到媒人，說：“你欺騙了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前為什么不告訴我?” “怎么沒告訴你?”媒人也不甘示弱，“你們第一回見面后，我就說，他一眼就看中你了。”
9.上帝是不聾，可奶奶聾呀!
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
兩個小男孩在他們的祖父母家過夜。睡覺時間到了，這兩個小男孩跪在床上祈禱。弟弟用非常大的聲音祈禱著，“我祈求有一輛新自行車……我祈求有一個新游戲機(jī)……我祈求有一個新錄像機(jī)……”
他的哥哥用胳膊肘輕輕地碰了他一下，說：“你為什么這么大聲地喊叫呢?上帝又不是聾子。”
弟弟聽了回答道：“上帝是不聾，可奶奶聾呀!”
10.The Use of a Handsaw
At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse.
Let's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside.
Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, please.
The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special.
在集市上，我和妻子買了一些五金用品，包括一個手鋸。我們返回汽車時剛好路過一家牛排店。 “我們嘗嘗吧，”我妻子建議說。盡管我覺得拿著鋸有點傻乎乎的，但還是隨她走了進(jìn)去。 我妻子掃視了一下菜單對女招待說：“請給我來一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待轉(zhuǎn)向我，看了看我的鋸，說道：“我能看出，先生，你是來吃我們的T形骨特色菜的。”
11.你爸爸幫你了嗎?
One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right.
The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised.
He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?"
"No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim."
一天，蒂姆的數(shù)學(xué)老師看了他的作業(yè)，發(fā)現(xiàn)他全做對了。
老師很高興，同時也十分驚訝。
他把蒂姆叫到桌前說："蒂姆，你這次的作業(yè)全都做對了，怎么回事?你爸爸幫你做了嗎?"
"不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做。"
12.怎么把口香糖取出來呢
How do I get the gum out? Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?
怎么把口香糖取出來呢當(dāng)空中小姐給乘客們發(fā)口香糖的時候，她解釋說口香糖有助于他們防止耳鳴。飛機(jī)著陸后，一位乘客跑到這位空中小姐面前，說道：“ 我馬上就要見到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖從耳朵里面取出來呢?”
13.A Blind Beggar
There was a blind beggar wearing sunglasses and asking for money. A drunk man walked by, thinking the beggar was pitiful, threw him a hundred dollars.After walking a few steps, the drunkard turned around to see the blind man holding the money up to the sunlight to check if it was genuine. The drunk man, feeling cheated, ran back and snatched the money back, “You’re gonna die! How dare you cheat me…”The blind man, not wanting to feel like a cheater, retorted, “Hey man, I’m sorry, I’m just here to replace my friend who really is blind. He went to the bathroom, and should be right back… Actually… I’m mute.”“Oh, oh, in that case...” whereupon the drunk threw the money back and stumbled away.
在路邊一個盲人乞丐戴著墨鏡在街上行乞。一個醉漢走過來，覺得他可憐，就扔了一百元給他。走了一段路，醉漢一回頭，恰好看見那個盲人正對著太陽分辨那張百元大抄的真假。醉漢過來一把奪回錢道：“你不想活了，竟敢騙老子!” 盲人乞丐一臉委屈說：“大哥，真對不起啊，我是替一個朋友在這看一下，他是個瞎子，去上廁所了，其實我是個啞巴。”“哦，是這樣子啊!”于是醉漢扔下錢， 又搖搖晃晃地走了……
14.我不喜歡她
Bob goes to a new school.
鮑勃的去了所新學(xué)校。
One day he comes back, “Bob, do you like your new teacher?” hismother asks.
一天， 他回到家，他媽媽問他：“你喜歡你的新老師嗎?”
“I don’t like her, Mother. Because first she says that three and three is six, and then she says that two and four is six, too.”
“不，我不喜歡她，媽媽。因為她先說3加3等于6，然后她又說2加4等于6.”
醉酒
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.
一天，父親與小兒子一塊兒回家。這個孩子正處于那種對什么事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。
Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?"
他向父親發(fā)問道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思?”
"Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
“唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那么我就算醉了。”
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
“可是，爸爸，”孩子說，“那兒只有一個警察呀!”
明天早上數(shù)
It's a night. John is looking at the sky.
這是一個晚上。約翰抬頭看著天空。
Tom is John’s younger brother. He asks John “What are you doing?”
湯姆是約翰的弟弟。他問約翰：“你在干什么?”
John says, “I’m counting stars.”
約翰說：“我在數(shù)星星。”
Tom laughs and says, “It’s really dark now. Why not count them tomorrow morning?”
湯姆笑著說：“現(xiàn)在天空太黑了。你為什么不等到明天早上再數(shù)呢?”
1.Let me take it down
An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."
為我所用
一頭大象對一只小老鼠說：“你無疑是我見過的最小、最沒用的東西。”
“請再說一遍，讓我把它記下來。”老鼠說。“我要講給我認(rèn)識的一只跳蚤聽。
Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎?
學(xué)生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學(xué)生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
魚網(wǎng)
"你能告訴我魚網(wǎng)是什么做的嗎，安?" 老師發(fā)問道。
"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網(wǎng)了。" 小女孩回答道。
The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老師
9月1日， 喬治放學(xué)回到家里。
"喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎?" 媽媽問。
"媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6。"
A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
一次物理考試
在一次物理考試時，當(dāng)同學(xué)們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。
這個問題是：為什么在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電后聽到雷聲?
尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在后。
2.I'll See to the Rest
A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.
"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"
"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.
"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."
其余的事由我負(fù)責(zé)
一位車上的列車員剛發(fā)出信號讓火車啟動，這時他看見一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站臺上一節(jié)打開的車廂門旁邊，跟車廂里另一位漂亮姑娘在說話。
“快點，小姐!”他喊道：“請把門關(guān)上。”
“噢，我還沒有和妹妹吻別呢。”她回答道。
“請把門關(guān)上好了，”列車員說：“其余的事由我負(fù)責(zé)。”
Sleeping Pills
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"
安眠藥
鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫(yī)生，醫(yī)生給他開了一些強(qiáng)力安眠藥。
星期天晚上鮑勃吃了藥，睡得很好，在鬧鐘響之前就醒了過來。他到了辦公室，遛達(dá)進(jìn)去，對老板說：“我今天早上起床一點麻煩都沒有。”
“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了?”
A Smugglar
The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.
"What's in here?" he asked.
"Dirt," the driver replied.
"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."
Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.
A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.
"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.
"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.
Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.
The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."
Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."
走私犯
一個形跡可疑的人開車來到邊境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在檢查汽車行李箱時，驚奇地發(fā)現(xiàn)了六個接縫處鼓得緊繃繃的大口袋。
“里面裝的是什么?”他問道。
“土。”司機(jī)回答。
“把袋子拿出來”，哨兵命令道：“我要檢查。”
那人順從地把口袋搬了出來。確實，口袋里除了土以外，別無他特。哨兵很不情愿地讓他通過了。
一周后，那人又來了，哨兵再次檢查汽車上的行李箱。
“這次袋子里裝的是什么?”他問道。
“土，又運(yùn)了一些土。”那人回答。
哨兵不相信，對那些袋子又進(jìn)行了檢查，結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)，除了土以外，仍舊一無所獲。
同樣的事情每周重演一次，一共持續(xù)了六個月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心喪氣，干脆辭職去當(dāng)了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那個形跡可疑的人碰巧途經(jīng)酒吧，下車喝酒。那位從前的哨兵急忙迎上前去對他說，“我說，老兄，你要是能幫我一個忙，今晚的酒就歸我請客。你能不能告訴我，那段時間你到底在走私什么東西?”
那人俯身過來，湊近侍者的耳朵，裂開嘴笑嘻嘻地說：“汽車。”
Skunk
"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"
"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."
Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.
"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"
臭 鼬
“我們的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打電話的人對警察調(diào)度員尖叫道。“我們怎樣才能把它弄出來?”
“弄一些面包屑，”調(diào)度員說，“從地下室往外鋪一條小道直到后院。然后將地下室的門打開。”
一段時間后，那位居民又將電話打了回來。“你們將它弄出來了嗎?”調(diào)度員問。
“沒有，”打電話的人答道，“現(xiàn)在那兒有兩只臭鼬了。”
Patience
Angler: You've been watching me for three hours now. Why don't you try yourself?
Onlooker: I haven't got the patience.
耐 性
垂釣者：你已經(jīng)盯著看了三個小時了，你干嘛不自己親自釣?zāi)?
旁觀者：我沒那耐性。
Bedtime Prayers
Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."
Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"
And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"
睡前禱告詞
朱莉葉在做睡前禱告。“上帝，求求你，”她說，“讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都吧。”
媽媽打斷她的話說：“朱莉葉，為什么求上帝讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都呢?”
朱莉葉回答道：“因為我在地理考卷上是這樣寫的。”
Things Have Been Okay
A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned."
"You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?"
"Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay."
一切都正常
一對年輕夫婦有個兒子，已經(jīng)四歲了，還沒有開品說話，他們對此深感焦慮。他們帶他去找專家診治，但醫(yī)生們總覺得他沒有毛病。后來有一天早上吃早餐時，那孩子突然開口了：“媽媽，面包烤焦了。”
“你說話了!你說話了!”他母親叫了起來。“我太高興了!但為什么花了這么長的時間呢?”
“哦，在這之前，”那男孩說，“一切都很正常。”
That's Why
Jimmy started painting when he was three years old, and when he was five, he was already very good at it. He painted many beautiful and interesting pictures, and people paid a lot of money for them. They said, "This boy's going to be famous when he's little older, and then we're going to sell these pictures for a lot more money."
Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never painted on all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other half was always empty.
"That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else does that!"
One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to him, "Please tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom half of your pictures, but not on the top half?"
"Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my burshes don't reach very high."
原來如此
吉米三歲開始畫畫，五歲時已經(jīng)畫得很好了。他畫了很多美麗而有趣的畫，人們出高價購買。他們說，“這個孩子長大一點肯定會出名，我們可以靠這些畫大賺一筆。”
吉米的畫與眾不同。因為他從來不在整張紙上作畫。他只畫一半的紙，而另一半他總空著。
“構(gòu)思多么巧妙啊!”大家都說，“從來沒有人這么做過。”
有一天，一個人買了吉米的畫，然后問他：“請告訴我，吉米，你為什么總是在紙的下半部分畫畫，而不是在紙的上半部分?”
吉米說，“因為我個頭小，夠不著上面。”
A Trip to Disney
On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I adn our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.
As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Good-by, Mickey."
Our daughter waved and said, "Good-by, Minnie."
My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Good-by, Money."
迪斯尼之族
弗羅里達(dá)州的迪斯尼樂園是一個迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及兩個孩子前往旅游，我們?nèi)硇牡爻磷碓谒母鞣N奇觀之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我們要回家了。
當(dāng)我們驅(qū)車離開時，兒子揮手說：“再見，美奇。”
女兒揮著手說，“再見，美妮。”
丈夫也有氣無力地?fù)]了揮手，說道：“再見，美元。”
A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.
Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
勢均力敵
有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的廚房地板上竄過。她很害怕老鼠，所以她沖出屋子，搭上了公共汽車直奔商店。在那兒，她買了一只老鼠夾。店主告訴她：“放點奶酪在里面，很快你就會逮住那只老鼠的。”
這位女士帶著鼠夾回到家里，但她沒有在碗櫥里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因為已經(jīng)很晚了。于是，她就從一份雜志中剪下一幅奶酪的圖片放進(jìn)了夾子。
令人稱奇的是，這畫有奶酪的圖片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，這位女士下樓到廚房時，發(fā)現(xiàn)鼠夾里奶酪圖片旁有一張畫有老鼠的圖片!
Prepare Yourself
A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop."
Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself."
自己做好準(zhǔn)備
校園里流傳著這樣的故事：一個學(xué)生一次給父母拍了一份電報，上面寫著：“媽媽-我所有功課都不及格，被學(xué)校開除。讓爸爸做好準(zhǔn)備。”
兩天以后，他收到了回電：“爸爸已準(zhǔn)備好。你自己做好準(zhǔn)備吧!”
Why he couldn't leave?
There was a meeting with a large number of people. At first the speaker was very interesting, but as time went on, he became very boring. Finally when he was through, there was only one man sitting in the large room.
The speaker walked up to the man and said, "Thank you for hearing me out when all the others left the room."
"Oh! Don't mention it!" replied the man, "I cannot leave because I am the next speaker."
他為什么不走?
在一個很多人參加的會議中,剛開始演講者說得非常有趣,但漸漸地,他說得越來越令人厭煩.結(jié)果,當(dāng)會議結(jié)束的時候,大會議室里只剩一個人了.
演講者走過去跟那個人說:”謝謝你,其他人都走了,只有你還在聽我說.”
“噢,別客氣.”那個人回答說,”我不走,是因為我是下一位演講者!”
爸爸不會喜歡的For Father
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
中文翻譯：
一牧師走在鄉(xiāng)村的小路上，看見一個年輕的農(nóng)夫正在費力地將掉落的干草放回車上。
“你看起來很熱，我的孩子，”牧師說，“為什么你不歇一會，我會幫助你的。”
“不，謝謝了。”年輕人說。
“我的爸爸不會喜歡我這樣做的。”
“別傻了。”牧師說。
“每一個人都有權(quán)利休息。來喝點水吧。”
年輕人再一次堅持他爸爸會生氣地。牧師沒了耐心，說：“你爸爸一定是個苛刻的監(jiān)工。告訴我我怎樣才能找到他，我要給他上一課。”
“好吧。”年輕人回答說。“他在干草的下面。”
I am the Driver The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn't let him aboard. "It's too crowded," they shouted. "What do you think you are?" "I'm the driver," he said. 我是司機(jī) 一輛公共汽車已經(jīng)相當(dāng)擁擠，還有一個人想擠進(jìn)來，乘客不讓他上去。 “太擠了，”他們喊道，“你以為你是誰?” “我是司機(jī)。”他回答說。
Special Pig
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?" "No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?" "No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?" "Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他贏了
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎?
約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒?
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠(yuǎn)，他贏了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問，“發(fā)生了什么事?”
“一個男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說。
“再見到他你能認(rèn)出來嗎?”媽媽問。
“他走到哪里我都能認(rèn)出他，”伊凡說。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給你的錢干什么了?”
“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢�？赡銥槭裁磳δ俏焕咸敲锤信d趣呢?”
“她是個賣糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處于那種對什么事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發(fā)問道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思?” “唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子說，“那兒只有一個警察呀!”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家里沒有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片奶酪回到房間，把奶酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把奶酪放進(jìn)嘴里說：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夾上，先生。”那小男孩說。
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